easy does it

I just spent the past year in a deep depression. You see, there was this guy. He was beautiful, intelligent and super exciting (I think partly because he was Chinese and sometimes foreignness makes qualities seem interesting in a man that in any American would seem rude, stupid or just plain boring). I broke things off quickly because it was clear that his feelings weren’t there, even though he kept trying to convince me that he “was just busy with work”, or whatever. That’s why he couldn’t call me his girlfriend and that’s why he couldn’t call me back in a timely manner and that’s why he could feel totally easy about leaving me sit around on New Year’s eve without a date.

Cutting him off immediately brought a sensation of a knot being untied in my gut. So why the depression, you ask? I spent the next eleven months beating myself up for ever letting him get in my pants in the first place. Do you have any idea what sort of effect eleven months of telling yourself you are a loose woman can have on your self esteem? Let’s just say by the end of a year I was left with some unattractive wreckage to pick through. I am pleased to report, however, that after having stomped around through all the debris I was able to locate the foundation and it seems to be intact. The reconstruction is already underway.

I am learning that the key to overcoming my anxiety is to accept my reactions as reasonable. Guess what? That crying jag I had last Tuesday? Reasonable. The lack of direction I feel? Reasonable. My inability to listen? Reasonable. The anger I feel towards my loving, well-meaning mother? You guessed it …..totally reasonable! And considering my baggage, one relationship with a thoughtless young man is fairly reasonable. Even feeling depressed about it is reasonable……But I don’t want to do it again. And as long as I beat the crap out of myself for feeling the way I feel, I will not get better. I may doubt a lot of things, but this I have no doubt about.